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One day in the life of Amiga Inc's only ex-employee
by samuraijack on 09/05/2004 03:51 AM
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WrongPlanet presents a day in the life of Ray A. Akey.

6:02am - AInc office toilets blocked again

My, Amiga Inc. *have* been productive this quarter

The day begins on a high, as I arrive two hours early at the Amiga Incorporated offices in Snoqualmie with a spring in my step and a song in my heart and find the place in a panic. I'm called for by name, high priority. I'm told that "Ray, glad you're so early! This is a high priority job only you can do!" I immediately rush to the rescue, using my unique skills.

Found the cause of the blockage after half an hour. Someone had flushed a load of checks addressed to a "B. Peck". No idea why they'd want to do that. This guy must be a retard anyway, if the bosses don't like him. LOL!!!

Didn't use a brush. People who use brushes have no clue!! It's much easier to use hands.

I learned an important lesson from this productive job: even high-flying IT career people need to eat more fibre. Also, that wearing two pairs of gloves rather than just one is a good idea.


I'm just cleaning up a bit with a power hose and a can of ajax when I happen to run into Gary Peake.

"No Ray, you don't need to bow," he said. "I need you for a moment. My T-1 line has, er, been cut. Not because we didn't pay our bills! Don't let anyone tell you that!"

"Of course not, you'd have to be a retard to think that," I replied.

"Anyway, I need you to go underground and reconnect the line to the line of the building next door. They've, uh, given us permission. There's a manhole out back."

6:35am - Underground

The last two guys that tried this
Phew, after an hour scraping around in the dark under the illustrious Amiga Incorporated offices (the flashlight Peake gave me had no batteries and was dated 1940), I managed to rejoin the T-1 line.

No idea how this happened, but it looked like some retard came along and cut it with power company wirecutters, the same kind exactly as the T-1 provider uses. I suspect that moron Bill Buck. He's always doing his best to stop us, but he's fighting against the tide! He has no chance!

Might have broken a few more cables down there when I was crawling around, but it shouldn't matter. Who cares about anyone else but Amiga Incorporated! LOL!!


8:00am - into the offices!

Suck it in, Akey!
Finally! I manage to get to my computer in Amiga Incorporate's fantastic offices and work on their website! Imagine all the wonderous updates I can add! Received a list of 'software certain to come to OS4' from Ben Hermans, and am busy listing on our site for our fans to see how great Amiga are. Cool, OpenOffice and Doom 3! Only Amiga Incorporated makes it possible!

9:00am (Phone rings)

I pick it up. From the sound of it, it's Bill McEwen, the boss man and our CEO. The slur of horse anaesthetics is hard to miss.

Bill: Hi there Rolph!

Ray: It's Ray.

Bill: Rolph, I want some help on this Amiga.com exec update I've written, but I'm having a little problem thinking of some stuff to add, and I'm really short on time, with all this really hard and time consuming CEO work I do. I want you to expand it a bit.

Ray: Okay, which bit do you need expanded?

Bill: Well, I have "Hello Amiga friends!" so far.

Spent the next three hours writing the exec update, trying to sound like Bill McEwen as humanly possible. When finished, I put it up on the Amiga site I pay to keep running, because Amiga are shifting the budget to productivity. Anything to help the sleeping giant get ready to awaken!


I'm just finished and I'm about to go to lunch, when the phone rings again. I answer. It's Fleecy. I'm flattered he can take time out from blackboarding the latest and greatest ideas for a new generation of IT.

Fleecy: Fleecy is my name and digital horizontal excellence is my pursuit! Felicitations and salutations my fine underling!

Ray: What?

Fleecy: Uh, hi. Ray, I need some help with these questions I got from users at Amigaworld.net for the Q&A, how about some help seeing as you know these people and their...uh, thing.

Ray: Okay, like what?

Fleecy: Remind me what an Amiga is again?

Understanding what a busy guy Fleecy is with all that hard work he's always doing, I decide just to write the AmigaWorld Q&A myself, skipping lunch. We must make sacrifices for the platform! Only a first class retard would disagree with my answers anyway.


Wow, writing Q&As was difficult, especially when I have to phone our good friend Ben Hermans for his dazzling technical expertise on parts of it every ten minutes. Took me three and a half hours to compose this masterpiece. I look forward to helping Fleecy with the minor details of his next Q&A!

I spend the rest of the working day reviewing progress on the AmigaDE. It's doing well, but why don't these retards using crappy old Amiga's buy x86 hardware to code stuff for us for no pay on our new platform-independent operating environment?


Tears in my eyes, I leave the Amiga Incorporated offices, but am comforted by the thought that I will be back in twelve hours to continue my undoubtedly long and productive career here, at the best place in the world. I won't be able to sleep for thinking about it. LOL!

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6:02am - AInc office toilets blocked again
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The comments are owned by the poster. We are not responsible for its content.
Posted on: 2004-09-08 04:59:35   By: Anonymous
My wife and I got a HUGE kick out of this article. Hmm, so that's where my checks went, eh?

Thank you all for a great laugh!

B. Peck

I'm in love
Posted on: 2004-09-10 20:37:45   By: Anonymous

    Re: I'm in love
    Posted on: 2004-09-10 22:59:06   By: Anonymous
    That's the best photoshopped cleavage I've ever seen.

Posted on: 2004-09-14 02:18:58   By: Anonymous


No Subject
Posted on: 2004-10-23 05:31:47   By: Anonymous
can't wait to see what genesi (unpaid) ex-exployees will be doing!

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